Wayne and Rebecca Madsen

We rented this documentary last night. I've got such a jumble of thoughts after watching this film that I think i need to write them down to sort them out.

For starters, Daniel Johnston got to be one messed up kid, but I have to admit that there is something brilliant about this guy. I had never heard of him, but I had heard his music through the influences of all the bands that I listen to. I was one of those kids that saw the Hi, How Are You? t-shirt on Kurt Cobain and always wanted to know what band it was. But I'm getting away from the thoughts I had about this film, about Daniel Johnston. I really connected with Daniel Johnston and saw a lot of myself in him. As a child/teenager, I was as maniacal and truly believed that my art was worth being in the world. There was one difference between myself and Daniel that I think is crucial to how our paths unfolded differently: my parents accepted me for who I was and the choices I made. I don't think Daniel had that acceptance.

This didn't make going to college any better. My first year at BYU I completely blew off. I stopped going to classes completely in order to dedicate all my time to working on my art. I still think that some of the best work I ever did was from that year. Then there was another major change: I went on a mission and Daniel went into self-destructive mode. My mission toned me down, broke my wild spirit, put me into a comatose mood that makes me afraid to show my art to anyone.

I don't claim to be a genius, but it scares me to watch this film. In part because I see the dangers that lurk behind the minds of all of us, the destruction that it can create to feel unloved and unwanted for what you want to do, the maniacal pressure that's expected of "artists," etc. I hate the art world. I hate it so much, when there was a time that I was obsessed with it. Now, I look with disdain at the kind of competition it breeds. I don't like competition. I don't like to think that I'm so much better than all the other really good people out there. There's no reason to. Although it's safe for me to hide in my studio putzing away at my paintings, I see more of a future in collaborative team artwork. I prefer to work with other people putting together larger than life projects. Maybe I'm just telling myself this because it's better than thinking about the kind of destruction that happens to people who are striving to overcome the odds it takes to become something.

I don't know. I don't know, but I know that this film scared me good.

I do have to leave with a disclaimer. I am in no WAY like Daniel Johnston. He's really messed up. But I AM really thankful for how sane my wife keeps me. Thank goodness for her. She's the best because she allows me to draw cute little robots and aliens and silly things and takes me seriously. Yay for that.