DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain or snow storms, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering:"
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie in the manner that will best obscure as much of the work as possible or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity resumes, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to leap suddenly at the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those humans every time.
Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste a Bed Mouse!
King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. If one happens to be on top of a human when the human awakens and tries to expel the players, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill. To resume play, quickly snuggle up to your human(s) and purr loudly. This may keep you from being expelled from the bedroom and will give your human(s) time to settle down and fall asleep again.
Search and Seizure: The very early hours of the morning are an excellent time to search for and seize toys, particularly those on bedroom dressers and nightstands. Using this time of the morning for search and seizure has two advantages: (1) humans are slow to awaken, therefore you can expect several minutes (sometimes several hours) of uninterrupted seizing before your human notices your activity; (2) even though most humans set alarms to wake themselves, they rarely get up when their alarms sound--Search and Seizure complements and enhances the human alarm system and encourages humans' immediate arousal. Even though you may be expelled from the bedroom, you will have helped your human awaken and start his/her day. It is best to start this game just before dawn.
TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys:
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
FOOD: To get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. Here are the guidelines for getting fed:
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you dip the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it and to introduce it to your human. Be insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and will try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life (such as dogs) will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen; the Direct Stare; and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
f) Food that is left unattended (even for an instant) on a counter or table, before or after any meal, is always fair game. Eat as much as you can before the attendant returns.
SNACKING: Humans love to snack and most of their snacks are very tasty. To make sure your human shares with you, follow him/her closely wherever s/he goes with the snack; look frantic and whine with great urgency. If seated, leap hastily on you human's lap, focus on the his/her mouth, with your paw gently tug at the hand that holds the snack; look frantic and whine with great urgency. When given the snack, eat it quickly and resume your sharing behavior. Stop the behavior only when the snack is gone or you throw up (see CHAIRS AND RUGS above).
SLEEPING: To have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. Humans are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around isn't much fun and won't help anyway because humans are very observant. However, gently scratching a sacred human object, while staring directly at its owner, is often an excellent way to start a game of tag. (You may need to hide for several hours afterwards, so make sure your hiding spot is clear of other obstructions before you begin scratching.) When outdoors, trees make excellent scratching posts. Sharpening your claws on a human is fun but a definite no-no!
HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with us and give us attention, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know the basic rules. They CAN be taught if you start early and are consistent. Only then will you have a smooth-running household.
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